Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication

I am a veteran educator and rely on my communication skills to work with students, families and administrators. Delivering messages so they can be heard, and listening to others so they can feel seen and heard is a huge part of my professional existence. If you are interested in deepening your communication and apply mindfulness, self awareness (cognitive, affective and somatic) and concepts from Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication, this book is highly recommended. This is a VERY well written book by Oren Jay Sofer. The concepts (Oren refers to them as principles) and teachings are well structured and organized so that you are able to process the concepts multiple times during the book to really grasp and let them sink in. Oren shares contemplative practices that support the communication principles and at the end of the chapters, recaps with bullet points and with mini Q and A’s, further exploring the “what ifs” when applying the practice/principles. The list of Roadblocks to Communication was enlightening as there were some in there that didn’t appear as roadblocks, but looking deeply can get in the way of connecting with others. There is much wisdom and heart in the principles. His “pairing” of Practices (mindfulness related to help build presence, relational awareness, curiosity and care) to apply the principles in communication with others were helpful when I first started. It gave me a felt experience of what my body and mind needed to be when trying out the principles with others. I also enjoyed his direct and accessible style of writing about the concepts/principles, real life anecdotes (relatable, makes all of us Human!) and the meditation practices (guided online) that come with the book. A great book to read with a partner to embark on a journey to strengthen communication, for book clubs or summer reading for those who work closely with people and want to deepen connection with others through empathy and curiosity. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Initially I bought this book because, as a therapist, I thought it would be a nice supplement to the interpersonal effectiveness skills unit I was teaching in my DBT group. I specifically wanted to use a short excerpt on judgment and assumption in communication so I went directly to that section of the book and copied a few pages, but I honestly never intended to read the rest of the book. A few months later I saw it on my bookshelf and decided to give it a chance and I'm so glad I did!! This book is a gem. The beginning of the book guides the reader into an exploration of their own personal and unique communication patterns, normalizing the human tendency and desire to get our needs met at any cost, and provides this insight in a gentle spirit of non judgment. The author assists the reader in recognizing and identifying their own ineffective, and sometimes damaging, communication patterns. The next part of the book introduces a plethora of communication techniques and skills and demonstrates how to utlize and implement these skills in a way that honors each persons feelings and meets their unique relational needs. The skills the author provides create a distinct map that one can utilize to weave effortlessly thru difficult conversations and stressful interactions. I cant emphasize enough how helpful and pragmatic these skills are, and with practice, they have a noticeable impact on relationships and interactions. The book is academic yet it is also an easy and enjoyable read. The sheer number of skills introduced can feel overwhelming at times, but that is just a minor criticism. I have one suggestion and that would be to include, at the end of the book, a list of all the skills taught, a ranking of importance, and a formula to assit with implementatiom of these skills, such as, " start with this skill and then, when comfortable, add this skill, and so on." All and all, I am so happy to have found this book and i would definitely read other books by this author.

Superb information on non-violent, clear communication. Recommend for counselors, pastors and parents

This book is a lot of information to digest - I think I will need to do a second reading of it to get all the little wisdom nuggets it provides. Even though I’ve only read it once though I feel it gives me a basic set of tools to practice and effectively communicate even in stressful situations. I look forward to practicing these new tools!

This is one of my favorite books for learning effective communication. Oren so masterfully blends mindfulness with Nonviolent Communication, offering principles that are both practical and deeply conscious. As one of my favorite mindfulness teachers, his insights on conscious communication have been transformative for me personally and professionally. As a psychologist, I often recommend his work to my clients because of its clarity, accessibility, and profound impact. Whether you're seeking to improve platonic, romantic, professional, or even familial relationships, Oren's teachings provide invaluable tools for creating more authentic and compassionate connections. I’m so grateful to have learned (and continue learning) from Oren—his teachings are truly a gift.

I can’t say enough about this book! I am always reading a non fiction book and this is definitely up there with one of the best I have ever read. It contains information that every single person can benefit from. I see a lot of books being referred to as life- changing and this is definitely one of those books. Although you can not just read it once and put it aside. It contains information that I will be revisiting often. I took lots of notes. Most importantly is the need to practice what you have learned. I have just finished reading it once and have begun practicing. As the author states in the book, it does take some time until it comes naturally. I wish I had learned this information a long time ago instead of midway through my life. But, definitely better now than never. I highly recommend to everyone. If this book has fallen in your path, don’t hesitate to buy it. It is worth every minute that it takes to read. There is no fluff, in my opinion. It contains essential information from start to finish. Also, despite being such an invaluable source of information, it is not dry, boring , or difficult to read. It’s a true gem!

I have recently discovered “Say What You Mean” by Oren Jay Sofer. I was searching for help with my communication skills, especially with friends, music students, and band members. Too often I felt frustrated at being misunderstood or not listened to; and felt unsatisfied and painfully self-aware during “deeper” conversations. And at times, while conversing, I’d be planning what to say next, rather than listening to what was being said. This book is the perfect answer to my quest: helpful information and easy-to-follow tips about how to change my relationship to conversation, to develop deeper awareness and presence, curiosity and compassion for the other person (and myself!), skills in staying grounded and relevant, finding what is most important, and tips on staying safe and aware during difficult conversations. And although, as he states, these suggestions are not a “quick-fix” but a learning practice, they have already enhanced the quality, comfort, and enjoyment of my conversations. Using the book’s suggestions, I’m developing stronger awareness and access to my own resources of wisdom, memories, knowledge, peacefulness – (the things I lose when I become self-conscious, distracted, or go on auto-pilot). With the book’s suggestions, I’m now able to give fuller attention to conversations, practice suspending judgments and prejudices about myself or another, and as my practice deepens, to appreciate the immense possibilities and gifts this kind of communication offers.

“Say what you mean” is a book that will be referred to for many years. It is the synthesis of mindfulness, nonviolent communication, and somatic conditioning. Oren Sofer is one of the most intelligent and respected practitioners of mindfulness and nonviolent communication today. His intellect and care for the craftsmanship of this book will reveal itself to you very quickly. Undoubtedly a long-term reference piece for all people who wish to communicate more clearly, make a deeper impact where things really matter, as well as help promote a more peaceful and constructive dialogue in society. This work is more than just a book, it is a way of being, with yourself, with your friends, with your family, and with your world. After reviewing this book and listening to Oren for the last few weeks in his online course, it’s apparent that he could do just about anything he decided. But the compass of his heart is geared towards the betterment of the world and others and in so doing he actualizes his potential. This is a great piece of literature and I would heartily recommend it to everyone, it might be going to far to say that it should be a textbook in school, but someday it may be. Congratulations Oren on a wonderful contribution to the greater good. Larry Hyatt, Salem Oregon

I purchased the same book from Amazon and another company. They both gave around the same time in delivery, but I received the book in one week from the other company, compared to Amazon which took a month. I had already finished reading the book by the time I received the one from Amazon. This happened in the middle of Covid times, and it may have something to do with the method of delivery they both used. As for the book, it was full of useful, practical information. It was very clearly written and easy to follow. I had also brought the audio version through Amazon earlier, and I heard so much 'gold' in it, I wanted to get the hard copy so I could refer to the points more quickly. Love the book. Brought extra copies to give away.

Thais book can truly help you navigate your relationships in skillful ways so that you can find common ground and manage or avoid conflict. It makes you better and makes Life better. Gives Hope!

In this book, Sofer does a great job by combining principles of nonviolent communication (NVC) with mindfulness. While NVC offers a way how to communicate based on our needs, mindfulness practices allow us to actually get to point where we are able to to so, instead of relying on our autopilot and habitual communication strategies. I also like the emphasis on empathy in the book, which for me, is summarised in the basic stance of curiosity and care towards the person I am interacting with. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who is interested in NVC!

Combination by a trained Vipassana teacher and non violent communication trainer. Title of the book says everything.

Sensible, practical, compassionate, flexible and kind. I thoroughly recommend this book for anyone who might be looking to improve their communication skills. Also useful for anyone wishing to break the cycles of aggression or agitation with a particular person. This book has helped me become more courageous and clear in my own practice. I will be returning to the book often.