Rejection Proof: How I Beat Fear and Became Invincible Through 100 Days of Rejection

Reads as if it's ghostwritten.I first was intrigued by Jia's story. He seemed genuine and authentic. Someone who admitted his own shortcomings and exposed himself to situations that made him uncomfortable.However, after reading the book it now feels to me a bit like a publicity stunt.There is the polished text of the book. I may be wrong, but I don't think Jia wrote this himself. It reads like an imitation of Malcolm Gladwell, with a constant meandering between a simple observation in daily life, evolutionary explanations, references to studies from the 1970s, and finally the grand metaphors so that you will get the point, no matter if you're a WHAT person, a HOW person or a WHAT IF person. Seriously, this sounds like it's straight out of the self-help cookbook.Then there is the online course that the author offers, and which (of course) is already set up before the book is even launched. Complete with a polished sales page, testimonials, and countdown timer.And finally there are the unanimous 5 star reviews on Amazon, all of which read like perfect testimonials.I do think that the basic idea of the book is inspiring. And there are many interesting observations contained in the book.It's just that I feel a little cheated. Because, to me, this does not seem as the story of one guy who just stumbled upon something interesting and now wants to share it with the world. It all seems a bit orchestrated to me -- and that subtracts from the authenticity that originally attracted me to the author and his story.Maybe the author has orchestrated all of this because he wants to give his ideas the best shot of being heard by many people, so that the world becomes a better place. Or maybe he he had just been looking for an idea that would fill a need, and he's cashing in on it while it lasts. But there you have the irony of self-help books: The author may have learned a lot from doing his 100 day rejection challenge. But he did so because he had no book. Because he jumped into the unknown. That was the value of what he was doing. The people now, on the other hand, who buy this book, or who take the online class, are taken by the hand. And for most of them, I bet, reading the book or buying the course will be not support for facing their own demons, but a substitute for doing so.As they say: The only way to be successful with a self-help book is to write one.Since I may be the only person so far among the reviewers who has actually paid full price on the book, not received any incentive to post a review, and who has actually read the book, here are my highlights from the book:***(After the author rings at a stranger's house and asks if he may play football in the stranger's back yard, the stranger admits him and later explains:) “Well, it was so off the wall, how could I say no?”Despite having absolutely no reason or incentive to say yes, he’d been compelled to oblige because of—not in spite of—the fact that my request was so outrageousWhen I was confident, friendly, and open, people seemed more inclined to go along with my request; even if they said no, they at least stayed engaged longer to ask questionsI felt more engaged than ever. I was smiling a little more and conducting meetings with more poise. I offered my opinions more freely, without constantly studying other people’s faces to see if they liked what I was saying. I asked for feedback without searching for praise and got a little better at not taking criticism personallyWithout the negative emotion I usually attached to it—hearing criticism in any comment—the feedback became much more usefulMy confidence soaredmore aware of how my demeanor impacted the world around me, I was also becoming much more clear and deliberate in my conversations with my wifeWithin the first few weeks of my 100 Days, several people told me that I seemed different somehow, more sure of myself. Even my in-laws started looking at me differently, with something that felt like the beginnings of respectKevin Carlsmith, PhD, a social psychologist at Colgate University, set up lab experiments where the participants experienced a perceived injustice. Some of the individuals were given the choice to reap revenge on their wrongdoers, but others were not. Afterward, Carlsmith surveyed participants’ feelings. Everyone who was given the chance to exact revenge took it. But everyone in the revenge group ended up feeling worse than the people who weren’t given the choice. Interestingly, all the members of the no-revenge-choice group believed they would have felt better had they been given the chance to get back at their wrongdoersthinking that they will feel better by showing the rejectors how wrong they were. Yet it doesn’t work that way, and those who lash out actually wind up feeling worse when they get revengeschool shooting and acid attacks, all due to people’s desire for revenge after rejectionparticipants’ brains, having experienced a social rejection, immediately started releasing opioids—just as they would if a physical trauma had occurredasked the attendants on my flight to let me read the safety announcement on their behalf?Could humor be an effective way for me to neutralize rejection pain?In fact, I was feeling pretty good about myself because I figured I’d just made these groomers’ dayhumor helps to reduce pain and stressWhen heckled during a speech to the British Parliament, Ronald Reagan playfully replied, “Is there an echo in here?” Before going into surgery after his assassination attempt, he jokingly said to the surgeons: “I hope you are all Republicans.”participants’ pain thresholds significantly increased only when they watched the comedies—and specifically when they laughedIn another words, laughter reduced their pain and stressLaughing, dancing, and singing all produce endorphins—a different kind of opioid that not only fights pain but also makes us feel good. Laughing can be like receiving a double shot of natural painkillers from our brainThe fear and pain that might have been generated by the experience were suppressed by endorphins because I was amusing myself simultaneouslypeople could react to the same request very differently, and it said nothing about meTheir responses reflected their own attitudes, sense of curiosity, and risk tolerance—which varied quite a bit among themEvery time they ask for what they want, they feel that the “universe” is making a unanimous judgment on their meritsThe “universe” is made up of people with diverse and often polar-opposite personalities, incentives, and backgrounds. Their reactions to a certain request reveal much more about them than about the request itself38 %:rejection is a human interaction, with at least two parties involvedtheir mood, their needs and circumstances at that moment, or their knowledge, experience, education, culture, and upbringing over a lifetime. Whatever was guiding them at the time I entered their lives, these forces were usually much stronger than my presentation, my personality, or my request itselfhow many times famous authors had been rejected by publishers before one of them finally accepted their first bookDiary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank: 15Carrie by Stephen King: 30Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig: 121Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone by J. K. Rowling: 12J. K. Rowling sent out the manuscript of her new book, The Cuckoo’s Calling, to publishers under a pseudonym because she wanted her work to stand on its own merit rather than on her fame. The editor who read and rejected the book, which would also become a bestseller, had said it was “quiet” and “didn’t stand out.”wonder how many would-be masterpieces have never seen the light of day because the creators were so discouraged by the rejectionsthese authors—many of whom are now considered to be the greatest talents of their days—had to push beyond dozens of rejections until they found the right person who agreedbecoming a master of a craft requires not just great skills, but also the ability to weather rejections to get to an acceptanceif acceptance is the only thing a person strives for, all she or he needs to do is to talk to enough people. Odds are that someone will eventually say yesI said, “No problem. But may I ask why?”The man rejected me not because he didn’t trust me or thought I was weird. He appreciated my offer, but it didn’t fit his situationAsking why tended to clear up any misunderstanding on my part about the other person’s motivations. In the past, when I was rejected, I had automatically assumed that I’d done something wrongThere’s only an upside to asking “why.” After all, you have been rejected alreadyI kept insisting on getting what I wanted regardless of what the other person said, the other person would get annoyed and shut me down coldif I turned and fled, I would create a rout of my own makingdemoralizing stories that I would tell myself about the encounter. The biggest casualty in those “battles” was not the rejection but my resulting loss of confidencethere was a powerful third way—retreating, reassessing, and trying a new approachI tried to get a free room at a luxury hotel and was turned down flat. But after retreating to a lesser request, I wound up getting a tour of one of the hotel’s rooms and was allowed to take a nap on one of the hotel’s famously comfortable bedseffectiveness of making a concession and retreating to a lesser request after an initial rejectionbecause most people don’t want to feel like jerks, they are much less likely to say no the second time to the requester after the requester makes a concessionIf you get turned down for a job, one option is to flee—but another option is to ask for recommendations for other positions based on your qualificationsBy having a position to retreat to—and keeping an open mind—you can often avoid being routed by rejectionArguing with a person who turns you down is probably the least effective way to change the individual’s response. In fact, it’s almost a sure way to get a rejection, because arguing always turns potential collaborators into enemiesBy making it clear that he had the freedom to say no, I got to the yesApproaching a different person, rather than continuously trying to convince the same person again and again, regardless of his needs and preferences, was much more productiveBefore deciding to quit or not to quit, step back and make the request to a different person, in a different environmentexplaining my why up front had a similar effectpeople’s responses to a request are deeply influenced by knowing there is a reason behind it, no matter what that reason is.I’m amazed at how often I didn’t offer a reason for my request, usually because I assumed the other person already knew it or wouldn’t want to know itthe more people use the pronoun “I,” the more likely they are telling the truth and are perceived as such. On the other hand, the more people use “you” or “he/she/they” as the subject of a sentence, the more likely they are to be not telling the truthBy starting my request with “I,” I could ensure that others understood that I was asking them for a favor—not trying to do them a false favorI knew I meant no harm to the random people I approached. But how could I make sure that they knew it?Seeing his dilemma, I tried to make him more comfortable.“Is that weird?” I asked him.“Yeah, it’s a little weird,” he replied, almost with relief. But acknowledging what I was asking was strange seemed to put him at easeat some point they’d had a woman position herself at the door trying to sell products to incoming customers, and they’d had to ask her to leave. Eric didn’t want a replay of that experience, and part of his hesitation was remembering that tricky situationDemonstrating to Eric that I knew that my request was “weird” actually gave me a different kind of credibility. For one, it proved to him that I wasn’t crazyit also revealed both honesty and empathy on my partAsking “Is this weird?” put Eric more at ease and opened his mind to my request. It gave him an opportunity to be honest with me and explain what his reservations wereI hoped that by not mentioning their doubts, those doubts would simply go away

His funny wit was first discovered when we heard him speak at a conference. This book is filled with wisdom of what he learned with his 100 days of rejection.For me, there was a lot of repetition.

Every encounter with another human being creates the opportunity for rejection. The fear of rejection is a barrier and violently limits us. Even for someone like me who has been in sales for 40-years. What I learned or what was validated is summarized below.Suggestion - get the audible version. The person who speaks the book draws you in. Jia's stories are fun. You feel the moment, the stress, the fear, the tension, the release, the laughter, and ultimately how he learned (and we can too) to enjoy the journey. Don't miss his story and how it can impact your life if you have any dealings with other humans at all. If you are a recluse on a deserted island, you can pass.1. Rejection is human - a human interaction with 2 sides. Rejection says more about the rejector than the rejectee. Should never be used as the universal truth or sole judgment of merit.2. Taking a no - ask why before goodbye. Sustain the conversation after rejection by asking "why."3. Retreat, don't run - don't give up after a rejection. Retreat to a "lesser yes."4. Collaborate, don't contend - never argue with a rejector. Instead, try to collaborate with the rejector to make the request happen.5. Switch up, don't give up - before deciding to quit, step back and make the request to a different person in a different environment or under a different circumstance.6. Positioning for yes - give my why. By explaining the reasoning behind the request, it is more likely to be accepted7. Start with I - starting with "I" can give the requestor more authentic control of the request. Never pretend to think in the other person's interests without genuinely knowing them.8. Acknowledge doubts - by admitting obvious and possible objections with the other person, one can increase the level of trust between the 2 parties.9. Target the audience - by choosing a more appropriate audience, one increases the chances of being accepted10. Giving a no - patience and respect. Rejection is hard to deliver so deliver it without ever belittling the rejectee. Be direct. Avoid convoluted set-up and reasoning.11. Offer alternatives - by offering alternatives to get a yes or concessions, you can make the other person a fan, even in rejection12. Finding upside - motivation. Rejection can be motivations to fuel your fire for achievement. By taking emotion out of rejection, you can improve your idea or product.13. Worthiness - sometimes it is good to be rejected, especially if the idea is influenced by group-think or radically creative.14. Character building - by seeking rejection in tough environments, one can build up the mental toughness to go after greater goals15. Finding meaning - find empathy. All rejections are shared by many people in the world. You can obtain empathy and understanding of other people who have faced similar rejection.16. Find value - repeated rejections can serve as the measuring stick for one's values and beliefs17. Find mission - sometimes the most brutal rejections in life signal a new beginning and mission for the rejectee18. Finding freedom - freedom to ask, freedom to accept ourselves19. Finding power - detachment from results. Focus on controllable factors, not on acceptance or rejection

I really enjoyed this book. Very easy and quick read and it was interesting.

The points the author makes are extremely poignant. I've enjoyed it so much that being a teacher, I have challenged my students to go out and learn from rejection.

Good book if you want to remain that things happen only because of you, and it gives some examples to handle the rejection

Algumas estórias são engraçadas, mas ao fim as lições que ele tira das rejeições são a parte mais interessante.O livro provavelmente está na categoria auto-ajuda: oferece bons argumentos que mostram como o medo de rejeição é algo construído e que, na maioria das vezes, não é algo pessoal.

My best friend taught me this lesson when he got us into Wimbledon centre court without tickets. We got rejected nine times. The tenth time a very nice couple gave us their tickets. Best tennis match I ever watched. I never forgot the lesson on rejection. I have not seen this invaluable lesson taught any better than in this book. A must read for anyone who wants to live a full and fun life... Carpe diem

Desde que ví la charla en TedX, no pude quitarme el tema de la mente. Hasta que al final decidí buscarlo y tenerlo en mis manos. No me arrepiento, ha sido divertido, inspirador e interesante. Un libro para guardar, palabras para recordar y experiencias para vivir.

It really changed the way I perceive rejection and made me thought about all opportunities I might have lost because of my own fear of rejection. Really is a life-changing book