Glitterland

Is it possible to trust what you think and feel, when you’re a manic depressive, with bipolar and crippling anxiety? Ash, who’s been to the very-edge of insanity and somehow survived, sees his world in tones of grey, swallowed by the weight of depression and self-deprecation, until he meets his #glitterpirate, Essex (Darian). Who shows him the world how it’s meant to be seen - in Technicolor.“He … he … he’s a kind, ridiculous, beautiful glitter pirate. I don’t know what else I can tell you. He makes me laugh. He makes me hopeful.”Darian and Ash are the epitome of chalk-and-cheese: Ash is an accomplished author, and an Oxbridge graduate, whilst Darian is an aspiring model, with a perma fake-tan, a thick Essex accent and an innocent simplicity, Ash occasionally finds truly breathtaking, and occasionally incredibly infuriating. They come together in a glittering, albeit fleeting wave of true emotion, but soon they drown in the crescendo of their lust - all because Ash believes he’s broken, beyond repair, and thus undeserving of the kind of pure love Darian only can give him.“Darian had slipped past me somehow, like a light through fractured glass. For some bright, fleeting moments, he had made me happy, and all I had done was hurt him.”Ash’s character speaks to me in ways that are all too familiar. I’ve been there and felt so much of what he’s felt. It’s one of the most impactful representations of manic depression you could find in modern literature. However, I love that Darian constantly pulls Ash in an opposing direction. One where he’s not manic nor damaged. Ash almost doesn’t have to think to be with Darian, he can just be - so long as he remembers to cast off the shackles of his deeply ingrained self-loathing.“I was so very afraid of Darian - the unsought miracle - and almost relieved to have driven him away. Yet the wanting remained, like the memory of his hands on my skin.”There’s an intelligence and profound realism to Alexis Hall’s work that draws you in. I’ve no idea whether elements of this story come from his own experiences or not, either way, his perspective makes for a incredibly empathetic and poignant read. (I promise you, one minute you’ll be laughing, the next crying).Glitterland, regardless of how many times I revisit this book, it will always move me in indescribable ways. Evoking utter despair and resounding joy, in equal measure.“He catches my face between his hands, his painted fingernails twinkling like stars, and when he kisses me it feels a bit like fear and tastes a bit like tears, but it’s bright and sweet as sherbet, and I decide to call it joy.”Not read any of Alexis’s work yet? You really should. I promise you they’ll stay with you long after you’ve finished the last page.“All my smiles, you can have all my smiles, whenever I can find them.”

I strongly recommend this book. It is always a breath of fresh air to meet imperfect characters, and to dive into accurate representations of mental disorders. It's a book that raises the question that most people who suffer from a debilitating mental health issue ask themselves: Am I worth loving? Who could possibly choose this if I don't even choose it myself? It's funny, it's romantic, it's devastating. I adore Alexis's writing.

I loved so for you so I came back for more and I was not disappointed!!Such a funny, cute, sad good book!

This book follows our main character Ash, who is a writer dealing with constant cycles of mental illness day to day. He is dejected, having given up on ever becoming happy or finding love, until a chance encounter at a night club changes everything.Ash finds himself in the arms of Essex boy, Darien, a fledgling model who is totally care-free with his fake tan, hair gel and constant optimism.When a one night stand starts to morph into more, Ash finds himself stepping out of his self imposed boundaries and into a life with a possibility of happiness if only he can get out of his own way and allow Darien completely in.This is one of my all time favourite novels, it walks a fine line between complete angst and just being the most charming and funny book I have ever read. Alexis Hall is an incredible author whose works are some of my most beloved reads and this is on top of that list.If you have not picked up this book yet please, please do so. You won’t regret it.

双極性障害を持つ主人公が…なんていう客観的な感想なんて持てなかった。多分多かれ少なかれ、誰にでも思い当たることはあるんじゃないかと思った。例えば、悩んでいることがあって、でもそのこと自体よりも自分がその事で悩んでいることを知られることの方がずっと耐えがたいという事だとか。気に入って時間をかけて大事に描いていた絵を、誰かが「それ良いね」とほめてくれたら、自分がそれを大事にしていると気取られたくなくて、途端にそれをぐしゃぐしゃにしてしまいたいような衝動とか。思い当たることがありすぎて読んでいて少し、いやかなり、辛い。大切なものは必ず自身の手で壊してしまうのなら、大事なものを作らず、何にも心を動かされなければ、怖がることはないのかもしれないけれど、生きている意味もなく灰色の世界でただ漂うだけの存在になり果てる。これは大事すぎてグシャグシャにされたものが絵ではなくて生身の人間、あるいはその人との関係だった場合。普通なら相手がどれ程傷つくかを思いやれそうなものだけれど、そもそも自分ごときが誰かを傷つける力はない、そもそも相手が少しでも自分の事を好きでいる前提が無いと相手が傷ついたりはしないだろうという理論はあまりに低い自己評価を示しているようでいて、（自分に対する相手の評価を相手に委ねず、自分で下してしまう点において)実はとんでもなく傲慢だけど、この世界には自分しかいないからしょうがない。どこからを障害として線引きするかはともかく、誰にでもそんな一面はあるんじゃないか。少なくとも私は色々と言い当てられたような気がして、読むのにかなり時間がかかってしまった。自分以外のものがリアルに感じられなかった主人公がDarianをリアルに感じ、Darianと共にありたいと願うことが出来るようになったのが奇跡なら、それに至るまでの時間をDarianが許してくれたことも奇跡だと思った。