How We Love, Expanded Edition: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage

I so needed this study. A friend on staff at our church recommended this to my husband for us to go through together when he mentioned he and I were struggling in our relationship. I lost my mother tragically in a house fire almost a year ago. My siblings, who do not know the Lord, have gone off the deep end and are showing their worst sides since her death. It has opened my husband’s eyes up to the struggles we had growing up as kids in a home with abuse and neglect from both parents. This book, the workbooks and online content, are a godsend in this perfect moment for me to go through this with my husband. I would recommend this for any person, single or married, because it is useful as you consider any relationships you have in life and how you love others and allow yourself to be loved. The authors walk you through some raw and painful contemplative questions to help you sift through the truth of your childhood, the good the bad and especially the ugly, and offer practical ways to move into a healthier mind and heart space. Our childhoods affect the way we relate to others and how we see ourselves in this world. It doesn’t matter if you grew up in a lovely home with doting parents or were abused as a child, this book offers a great perspective and challenge to become who God meant you to be so that you can live life fully.

Oh my word! I’ve heard about this book for years, but never thought about buying it until recently. I regularly listen to Milan on New Life Live radio show. I was married 22 years to an alcoholic/sex addict and we never could connect emotionally because he was unavailable. I knew something was wrong beyond the enabling and addictions, but didn’t know how messed up I was/am until my remarriage to a wonderful man. I’ve been remarried 2 years to a very deep feeler (like me)... he wants to connect and communicate. Well, I didn’t know how to communicate well. I am still learning how to express my needs and listen to my precious husband, who expresses his needs and emotions. This book was absolutely instrumental in changing how my husband and I see ourselves! We had a 30 hour car ride across country and spent time reading and discussing this book! I’ve also ordered the workbook. It was a lightbulb moment for each of to realize we are both vacillators! It clicked and made soooo much sense when we finally discovered our love styles! We have begun a new journey of empathy for one another and insight into ourselves. We both point the finger at one another in arguments, causing us so much frustration and anger. And a lot of shutting one another out. I thought we surely must be crazy! Now we see how we tend to look at the other’s sin instead of our own. I can not say enough about our “aha” moments in the car together! We had one of the most engaging, beautiful times together discussing this book and “seeing” our dysfunctional patterns. Phew! It has given us both so much relief and hope. We adore one another, but couldn’t get past arguments without a huge blowup. It has been so precious to see my husband bend over backwards to love me well. We both finally feel seen and understood by the other. I can not wait to delve into the workbook! I will be giving this book as marriage gifts! Well done. Well done.

There is only one way to rate this book...amazing! It has absolutely changed my life. I often tell people that other than the Bible this is the best book I have ever read. The authors are so transparent about their lives and their experiences that you almost feel like you know them. It will bring about change and healing like you have never experienced before. When I first read the foreword by Steve Auterburn he closes with a personal money back guaruntee. I thought to myself "I'm sure the book is good Steve, but come on". After reading it I understand why he is able to make such a guaruntee. When you are the real deal you stand behind what you are selling. Although in this case what is being sold is a guide to living a better life through self awareness. By understanding who you are, you are able to be a better you, have better relationships, especially the relationship with your spouse and have a better quality of life. I am a vacillator(get the book) and after sharing what I have learned in the book with my friends,it appears that I am an avoider magnet because my spouse and all of my close friends are avoiders. I purchased four copies of the book for my friends because I truly believe that it will change their lives as it has changed mine. The feedback I have received is just what I expected...WOW!!! I will close with this. How We love is an invaluable resource that I believe is a must have for any couple who wants to repair their marriage or have a great marriage. If I had the information contained in this book earlier I would still be married. Most of us believe you get what you pay for, but with this book I would strongly disagree. You are getting a Mercedes at a volkswagon price. Enjoy!

I’m 58 years old and I never knew all of what this book has shown me in such a short time. I am currently on my second marriage and as we started to go down the same path, I stopped to take a look at my life and try to figure out what was causing my unhappiness once again. My daughters from my first marriage recommended this book to me. I am not a reader. I don’t usually read books. But I can’t put this book down now. My wife and I take turns reading this book before we goto bed. It has shown us both that we both have issues to resolve. And this book has helped me extremely. I was battling depression and didn’t want another divorce, I only saw death as an end to the pain. But now I am better after only reading 2 chapters. We are continuing the book and I can’t wait to keep reading. Remember this is from a person who didn’t like to read. So that should say a lot.

This is a marriage book. As a minister, there are certain books that you should read. You should read preaching books, leadership books, spiritual discipline books, and marriage books. All of these areas need constant improvement. We never reach the top in these areas of life. This was a good book on marriage, as it provided some interesting outlooks on the interactions in marriage. It deals with bonding, and attachment thought, and applies it to a few areas of unhealthy interactions. It talks about avoiders, pleasers, vacillators, controllers, and victims. Because of emotional scarring early in life, people can take on unhealthy patterns in relating to a spouse. This book is great at helping you to see your unhealthy behavior, and is practical in giving advice in making improvements. The book is well written, and full of good stuff, but somethings you kind of wish that it was shorter. You get the point, but there is usually a story or two that does not need to be there. I liked this book because it was a little different than the average marriage book. Instead of some general advice, it really helped to see how you relate to your mate. It was deeper than five rules for a happy marriage, because it got under the surface of your heart. This is a good marriage book, and helpful. It is a little too long, but that is the only downfall, but you can always skip a section, but not too much, it really causes you to be a healthier person.

This book clearly defined every romantic relationship that I've had. When I was reading, it was as if light bulbs kept turning on in my brain one after another until I could see so much more clearly than I ever have before. I now understand what my problems are, and why I am so resistant to change. I am a classic avoider, and this book help me understand why I avoid and why am so attracted to vascilators. These terms may seem like jargon and trying to explain the differences in this review wouldn't do the proper definitions justice. In the past I have been so frustrated with certain women, and I could never find out why. I understand now. Understanding another person's struggles has helped me become more patient. Instead of getting frustrated, I now know what my response should be. It all boils down to pain and anguish. We all have issues from our past. Some of us have endured a lot of turmoil in our childhood, and we deal with that turmoil in different ways. I really wish I could have come across this material years ago. It would have made my dating life so much easier. I probably would have stayed in a relationship that I let go of because of my lack of understanding of the young lady's hurts. What I thought was irrational behavior was really a cry for help. This book isn't just for dating and marriages though. After reading this book, I understand so much more why people do the things that they do. They have conditioned themselves to cope with pain in a certain way, and I have so much more empathy for other love styles than I had before. Bottom line, you must read this book. This is the best book on relationships that I have ever read. I have recommended it to many people and they all love it. I am currently looking for a wife, and this resource has been essential to my search. Special thanks to Milan and Kay for their amazing insight.

The book is in great condition

Started counseling and our counselor recommended this book or audio whichever we prefer preferred. We got the audio because we can get the fastest. Haven’t listened to everything yet, but honestly, even when it first started out, it didn’t burn me out. I was even more absorbed to it because I could relate and it helps you open your eyes and realize why you do or say some of the things you do or how you react and things that can affect that even from an early age or past relationships can all affect your every day now highly recommend this.

Highly recommended,for christian and non christian couples,get the how we love our children aswell if you have kids.

Gives deep insights into functions and dysfunctions of attachment.

I have a counselor friend who built her entire practise around this book, because it works!

Libro interesante

This is a book for counsellors and for people who want to understand themselves in the light of attachment theory. It's written by practising counsellors and comes to life by the telling of real-life stories as it looks at the 6 main love-styles we may find ourselves living out. Your experience of attachment to parents in early years will have shaped you in one direction or another when it comes to close friendships and especially romantic relationships. As a qualified counsellor myself, I've learned a lot about myself as I've used the questionnaires in the book and also helped others to reflect on their own patterns of behaviour, using them. This is one of my top 3 or 4 books on making marriage work, although of course it will help you understand how you tend to form any kind of relationship. I highly recommend it.