Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood

After reading statistics and informed but anxiety fueled " parenting " books that did little more than make me wish I left my head firmly buried in the sand reading this book was a rewarding and confidence building experience. I laughed at the humorous asides that deftly lightened the mood when discussing the frustrating task of guiding a young woman when she is in an intractable state of mind. I recognize better how to engage and when to back off on a subject. The benefit from reading this book was evident immediately and profoundly . Now having just finished ( I had to stop myself from reading in one sitting ) I am ready to set it aside for a short time and then re-read in a more leisurely manner as there is much that I want to ponder and learn on a deeper level than my initial consumption of the material allowed. I frequently see trite comments like 'must read' and ' should be required reading for every parent ' on the sleeves of dust covers and the comment sections online of books that have done little practical good for me personally and have in fact raised my anxiety level precipitously by heaping disturbing statistics on top of mortifying anecdotes without much in the way or any kind of resolution, advice or support. Basically - here is a worst case scenario told in near pornographic language , designed intentionally to horrify unsuspecting parents, backed up by sometimes outdated, misinterpreted statistics that are either too broad or too narrow in scope in apply to your specific environment - and the kicker is it's essentially unavoidable so ' good luck and happy parenting'. ( Girls & Sex : Navigating the Complicated New Landscape - I'm looking at you!) Untangled was a calm , humorous , and informed read with relatable anecdotes and a real compassion for the parent and the teen, that still covered the tricky subjects of teen sex and drug and alcohol abuse ,but in a way that is praiseworthy rather than cringeworthy . In an effort to be transparent , I admit that some of the suggested responses seemed somewhat inadequate to the demand of the situation and I could reasonably see a few of them backfiring in my own circumstances. However, if you believe that I am sincere in my comments and you find yourself in a position of wanting to improve your parenting because of the love and compassion you have for your teen and want practical, applicable, and insightful suggestions on how to do it, then I can give this book my highest recommendation.

I have tried to keep myself informed on the 'dad/daughter' side of the child-rearing equation with my wife. Thought I had things pretty well in hand through age 9 and 10, and had not read up on the subject for a couple years, then 12 and 13 hit..."is this the same kid?" She was talking back, resistant to do chores, liked her privacy, started to get into make-up...and accepting of affection on her terms...the dynamics had shifted and I needed a resource. There are a good many books to choose from on the subject, but I settled on Untangled. Although not specific to the 'dad/daughter' relationship, it definitely help me understand that these 'symptom' were/are normal aspects of transition and allowed me to view my relationship with my daughter through a different lens...and understand the parents' role during these transitions. Dr. Damour's experience shines through, with both case studies from her practice and childhood that add color and depth to the commentary. She enlightens the reader to the 'transitions' in a straight-forward way, as well as providing guidance of when a child may need extra support and/or understanding within given transitions and how to go about doing that. I especially liked some of the specific questions she suggests asking your daughter at various junctures. One quote that I have used a handful of times already is "you don't need to be 'respectful', but you do need to be 'polite.'" Makes me wonder how my parents did it without some of these 'manuals.'

As the parent of a girl in the tween phase, I felt like the ground was starting to shift beneath my feet. This book didn't just stabilize me; it gave me a blueprint. Dr. Lisa Damour breaks down the chaotic transition from child to adult into seven "strands" that make so much sense once you see them on paper. Why this is a 5-star read for tween/teen parents: Normalizing the "Push-Pull": The book explains why my daughter can be a "total goofball" one minute and "prickly and private" the next. Knowing this is a developmental requirement (Parting with Childhood) rather than a personal rejection has changed my entire parenting approach. The "When to Worry" Sections: At the end of every chapter, there is a clear distinction between normal (if frustrating) adolescent behavior and red-flag behavior. It has significantly lowered my "mom/dad anxiety." Practical Scripts: It doesn't just give theory; it gives you actual things to say. The tip about asking, "Do you want my help or do you just need to vent?" has already saved us from three potential arguments. Verdict: If you are seeing the first signs of the "teenage attitude," buy this now. Don't wait until you're in the thick of the storm.

I would highly recommend this book for any parent. I’m a father of a boy and girl. Yes, the book is directed more towards teenage girls, and I can really apply it to all different ages of children (girl or boy) into adulthood. My only issue with the book is that some of the pages are not in numerical order. There are two locations that are not correct in the book. Location 1) The next page after 16 is page 29. Location 2) The next page after 312 is 17 Pages 17 through 28 are skipped in Chapter one, and placed at the back of the book in Index between pages 312 & 313. I did not even recognize this until flipping through the back of the book after I though I had finished the book. First time ever encountering this in a book. Not sure how many other books were shipped out like this.

I really loved this book and I will continue to refer back to it as-needed. I bought this book because my 13 year-old seemed to be snarky and moody (whereas before she was always lighthearted and playful). I wanted to find a book that would help me understand what she was going through and how, as a parent, I could help her transition to adulthood with the least amount of trauma (for both of us!) My childhood and teen years were abusive and traumatic, so I had little information on how to help my daughter through these years. I just knew I didn't want to make the same mistakes my parents did, but I also didn't know what the right approach was either. This book helped me tremendously. Not only do I understand why my daughter does the things she does, but it clearly lays out what steps I should be taking as a parent to help her understand what she's going through, and how to provide the best kind of feedback and support. I breaks down things very clearly and is an easy read. It explains the science and behavioral reasons of why teens do what they do and what we, as parents, can do to help them through this stage of life. I would recommend this book to all parents, not just people with teen girls. The advice in the book can apply to both boys and girls (although it was written to explain teen girls) and I think it would be helpful for parents of boys as well. I think that if parents of boys read this, it will help them with their sons as well, but it will also help their sons understand where their female peers are coming from. Win-win situation for everyone involved--parents, teen girls, teen boys, and teen boys trying to understand their female peers.

I really like this book and it has been very helpful to open conversations with my daughter. We have read many passages together. I have re-read the book and highlighted many phrases to memorize them either as responses or to effectively convey my opinion on issues to my daughter. I love that Dr Damour describes real situations with her patients. I talk about those with my daughter and she listens to that a lot more than when I lecture her or warn her. It is so useful to have the perspective of someone who is so qualified. I could not afford to go to her sessions, so the opportunity to have access to so much of her knowledge and experience for the price of a softcover book is a good deal to me. I think some reviews mentioned that the author refers to many other works and I don't see that as a negative. In fact, I did not even notice it until I finished and saw the extensive index of references she has. To me, that is honesty and I am not going to read all those books, so I am glad Dr. Damour took useful information from them to write this book, specifically for teenage girls issues. At first, I bought it for "friends" and cliques issues, but the book covers so much more and I am so glad I got it when I did because as Dr. Damour mentions, in teenagers things change fast, fast... so it was very helpful for me and my husband to have this information and be able to have answers and conversations with our daughter. I keep the book out all the time, near the kitchen table and sometimes I will notice my daughter browsing through it and it comforts me because my daughter is quite bookish and most of the time, she gives a lot of weight to the qualifications of the person writing/speaking about an issue. Anyway, I liked it, recommend it and thought it was money well spent.

I’ve read various parenting books for different age ranges, and they typically read like books the could have been an article. They also often dumb everything down to overly simple rules or use unrealistic examples where children always respond perfectly to feedback. But this book felt different. The examples are genuinely useful and Dr Damour provides great snippets you can use as inspiration for how to confront difficult discussions. I strongly recommend this book. It changed myself perspective on a couple of topics.

Tangled is one of the clearest and most compassionate books I’ve read on understanding the emotional world of adolescent girls. Lisa Damour combines research with real-life examples to help parents and caregivers see what’s underneath typical teen behavior — the fears, identity questions, and emotional navigation that girls experience. As a parent (and educator) who has lived with the complexity of teen development, I found this book both practical and deeply human. It doesn’t offer quick fixes, but it does offer savvy questions, perspective, and support for staying present with girls through the tangled parts of growing up.

Llegó en tiempo y forma.

It's the first such book I read as my daughter is hitting the early 'teens' and I found it very good for both dealing with her AND with my wife that knows everything better ;p.

Didn't read yet. It's a highly recommended read on the Moms groups here. Book arrived in perfect condition which I find isn't always the case.

Absolutely loved this book. I was hooked from the 1st chapter, when I found myself saying, “That’s my daughter!” and “That’s me!”. I love being a mom & have enjoyed a close, loving relationship with my daughter, so I was caught off guard around the age of 12 when she began getting really upset with me and saying things like she couldn’t talk to me. Add to this some criticisms and lots of tears, I knew I needed some help so I could best help her (and me) navigate unknown territory - and this book has been invaluable. Since reading it, and implementing the advice, we are super close again - not in a childhood way, more in a ‘wow, this is my amazing pre-teen kid, who needs me in a much different way from when she was little but still absolutely needs me & I’m here for it and so incredibly proud of her’ way. In fact, the month before I read this, we had several confusing blow ups and since reading this - not one (not to say it will never happen again of course). She’s still had/has meltdowns but this book has given me the tools to help her through them much better and not take them so personally - which has been the golden ticket. Lots of my parenting (which worked well in childhood) wasn’t working anymore and I was definitely making mistakes. I was at a loss but was able to course correct thanks to the useful, clear advice in this book. Warm, wonderful results were almost instant. Highly recommend.

Super readable, helpful and insightful. Definitely helps me to understand my teens struggles from her point of view so that it feels less personal, enabling me to be more patient.