The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence

I'm fifteen years old. I'm probably one of the youngest readers of The Gift of Fear, but Gavin de Becker's words empowered me just as much as they did the next person. I loved the book. It made me realize that I have to stop ignoring my body, my intuition. If you haven't read this book, go out and get it! It will teach you so many things. This book should be required reading in high school, especially in girl's "health" classes. It is a practical, although at times scary, outline of the threats that can be around us. The layout is particularly good in that each chapter is a different specific threat. Too bad we live in a world like this, but this book can give one an edge. The real life anecdotes blew me away. The account of the murdered woman who had reportedly suffered violence at the hands of the defendant for a long while. The calls to police, filing battery charges, lady killed by stabbing, defendant had a dream about killing her, his lawyers claiming it was drug dealers that committed murder. Sound familiar? DeBecker reveals that this true story happened six months before the famous "white Bronco" television event in a neighborhood thousands of miles from Brentwood. This book is too good NOT to read. Ever since a couple of years ago, I knew I wanted to help people. I'm the person my friends come to when they have a conflict, I like giving advice and solving people's dilemmas. There was one problem: I didn't heed my own advice. I didn't listen to myself many times because I could picture people saying, "Oh, that's a silly suspicion." Fortunately, I have never been in a situation in which I deeply regret ignoring my intuition, but after reading The Gift of Fear I have learned how to listen to myself. I also baby-sit. The other day I was holding one of the children, and he pointed to one of his brother's friends and whispered to me, "I'm scared of him." I thought for a moment and replied, "Well, you know what? That's OK." I told him that if he's ever afraid, he should leave where that person is and go find Mommy, or me, or someone he knows and doesn't feel afraid. I was proud that he listened to his intuition, but I think I was more proud of my response. I was totally psyched that I had reinforced something he needs to survive. My point is that The Gift of Fear taught me how to use my gift of intuition and my gift of fear. Read the book because you will learn from it; you will use the tactics everyday. Gavin de Becker does an excellent job of sharing his experience in dealing with topics of understanding threats, predicting violence, workplace violence, stalking, domestic violence, and more. This book will shed new light in an area of our society where unwanted pursuits and violent behavior seem to be a part of our every day existence. Best of all, you will become more comfortable with every day life and you will use the wonderful treasures Mother Nature has given you because it was instilled in you by Gavin de Becker.

I spent 20 years on the streets in local law enforcement. I always felt that the Temporary Restraining Orders (TRO) we served on stalkers and spousal abusers were as worthless, in most cases, as the paper they were written on. Usually they simply served as a salve to sooth our justice system's guilt over unwillingness or inability to take strong and immediate action, or develop alternative solutions. As Gavin de Becker so aptly points out, when it comes to committed stalkers and abusers, not only are they not afraid of a piece of paper, it incents them to even a higher degree of activity and perhaps violence. The author makes an excellent case that we should be much more judicious in evaluating such cases against a threat matrix and respond in different ways depending on the nature of the threat. I also greatly appreciate the author's discussion of the origins of fear and how important it has been in allowing mankind to develop. In addition to the twenty years I spent in law enforcement, I am also a Certified Body Language trainer and teach the power of nonverbal communication. As research has shown, what we call women's intuition is in reality the fact that women, on average, are far better at picking up nonverbal cues than men. That "intuition" was absolutely essential for the females of our species to survive in a very hostile world, where they were of slighter stature and needed to quickly detect threats around them. As the primary caregiver to children they also needed to be able to effectively interpret the cues and needs of infants and small children before spoken language. One interesting study involved showing short film clips with the sound turned off to groups of men and women. Women scored an incredible 87% accuracy in evaluating the situation shown in the video. Afraid guys we only scored 42%. fMRI scans reveal women use 14-16 regions of their brains during communication, while men only 4-6 areas (most women probably would dispute giving us that much credit-:) In modern society, in the interest of being "polite", we often suppress our natural intuition, our gut feelings. Back in my police career we didn't even have a term called Body Language. We only knew it as "street-smarts". One of my great fears has to do with my beautiful wife's suppression of her natural intuition around strangers, in the interest of being polite and non-judgemental. The nature of my our respective careers requires us to live in a dense urban area, surrounded by all sorts of threats. Dark parking lots, underground garages, elevators and streets filled with street people and drug addicts. While our building is very secure, once you are on the streets it's a whole different ball game. She has terrific intuition when she uses it. She is like a perfectly honed tuning fork when she is willing to trust her intuition, but due to her kind and trusting nature, she often suppresses it in the interest of being all-inclusive and accepting. Gavin de Becker's loud message to women, Trust your gut, Don't suppress your intuition, Don't worry about hurting some stranger's feelings is a powerful one. It is my hope that my wife and every woman will be willing to read the book, reflect on all the powerful stories in The Gift of Fear, including the author's personal story.

Great information and eye opening. It explains how to tell the difference between intuition and fear. When to use those intuitive feelings to protect yourself. And how to overcome fear in situations where you are safe.

De Becker lessened my anxiety about strangers by teaching me why I get anxious and strengthened my instincts. He’s very knowledgeable about how true criminals think and really how rare violent crime actually is.

This book was recommended to me by my ninjutsu instructor, who is also a US Marshall that deals with highly dangerous fugitives. If you are considering this book, allow me to boil it down a little for you. Think of how you can sleep in your own house, city or country, with all its unusual sounds, etc., and it won't bother you at all - you sleep right through it all - but if you travel somewhere else, it can be harder to sleep because you notice new sounds. Or, you can have a loud noise next to you that you're used to, so you will sleep through it (like an alarm clock!), but you'll wake SHARPLY at the quietest creak of a floor board? That *should* be counter-intuitive, right? One is loud, the other is quiet? DeBecker explains how the subconscious is processing something like (and I am misquoting him here I'm sure) 2000 things per minute when our conscious mind only does 50 (the ratio is similar even if the numbers are off - feel free to correct in comments if you recall the real numbers). So, while you sleep, your subconscious was processing all those sounds as normal and not normal, and that loud ice machine (or alarm clock lol) is "normal" - it belongs there. That floor board creaking oh so quietly? NOT normal, wake the hell up NOW! THAT - your subconscious' ability to process thousands of things we aren't even aware of, then GIVE US CLUES - is the "gift of fear". What we struggle with as a society is knowing when it's that, and when it's just paranoia (hence the avoiding the news [or wrong/too much news] comments). This book teaches you how to clear off the cobwebs and learn how to understand what your brain is telling you. I'm EXTREMELY analytical and empirically-driven - YET - I have always had strong intuition, and it didn't make sense to me that a "gut feeling" could be so accurate when it didn't have "empirical data" to back it up. It gives people like me who need to see a scientific reason for intuition just that - because it actually is simply a cause & effect of real processes. There are so many astounding examples that I'd LOVE to put but I don't want to "spoil" the "OMG no way!" effect they had on me when I read them - so despite my enthusiasm, I will resist! But the examples, though some upsetting, are really astounding. To get the most of each, take each example and see if you can see how the principles apply. Train your brain. The reason I say this is helpful in more than just crime and violence is that the subconscious processes clues on more than just violence and danger. It processes EVERYTHING. Body language experts do this, for example. The "intuition" aspect of this has also helped me in business and people relations, because I've opened myself up more to subconscious cues that I thought I was getting before but were "silly" - turns out they were NOT silly, and by learning how and when to listen, I make better decisions and actions. If you really pay attention - maybe read this book twice! - this can really sharpen your skills in multiple areas. This is a book I recommend to so many people for so many reasons.

Read it and pay attention. Memorize the pins. Internalize the examples. Apply them to everything similar you encounter. They're *that* valuable. DeBecker says there are always indicators when violence lies ahead. By "violence," he sometimes means any harmful situation. One example he gives is a mother who felt uncomfortable when her child was going into surgery. Still, she told herself it would work out. And then her child died. Later, she went over the red flags that should have sent her looking for another doctor. So some examples are not about violence specifically, but are about events that are just as unfortunate and unsafe. Life is full of these situations, and there are clues at the ready if you pay attention to your instincts. You'll get a feeling, a persistent thought, discomfort with someone or maybe a sense of uneasiness in an environment. Sometimes you'll just notice something when you ordinarily would not. There's a reason. As DeBecker says, "violence is predictable." He tells us not to talk ourselves out of small clues, but to respect them for the teachers and lifesavers that they are. He also tells us to stop worrying about being "polite." Discomfort with respect to possibly offending someone is a characteristic, or weakness, predators look for in victims. Since first reading the book in 1997, I can think of specific instances when important clues presented themselves through my intuitive awareness. One of them was as simple as a mechanic misleading me so he could collect an easy fee. So the second most important lesson I have learned is to always apply what the book teaches. The one time you dismiss a signal might end up being the time you should have been most alert. Remember, it always seems more convenient to dismiss warnings. A consistent refusal to do that will reward you in many, many ways that will be apparent after events have passed. If your instincts are signaling that something is just not right...stop...think...say no...complete a transaction after thinking for a few days. Move away from someone who makes you uncomfortable. Don't get into the elevator. Whatever the situation, just don't ignore your instincts. Everything DeBecker says is right on target and the truth of his advice will be even more clear during the months and years after completing the book. As you become aware of situations where you stopped, or should have, to think something through, it will sharpen your instincts. This is a book worth rereading every year and using as a reference. The knowledge will help greatly whenever you're in a situation that immediately causes alarm or that tugs at the corners of your mind later. Regular reinforcement and application of the material are important to keep it at the forefront of your mind. Situations in which we need it most are never expected.

From the moment I picked this book up, I loved it before I even read it. The book itself, the pages, the feeling of the book is amazing. I recommend everyone owns a copy.

It does have some good info about trusting your instincts and not living in fear or letting fear control you. There are lists he gives for you to help you know when someone is trying to harm, control or take advantage of you. They’re called Pre-incident indicators which, I do think, are the most important takeaways from this book. Some people might say these are common sense, but it’s good to see these written down and explained through examples. These are all fine and good. He also gives good advice on how to treat the obsessive person who is harassing you. These are all useful. He lost me with the chapters on children who kill and the one about protecting famous people. He lumped in battered children who kill their abusers with kids who are psychopaths or sociopaths who murder family members or others because they’re psychos, or rape other children because they’re psychos. Hey, at least, he does say people shouldn’t abuse kids to begin with so I guess that’s something. Also, he kept pressing the point about how much harder famous people have it because of weirdos and psychos becoming obsessed with them and wanting them dead. Yes, that’s terrible, but, um, what about the regular folks? The story about one of his famous clients- just Google it and you’ll find who it was, he doesn’t mention her name- is very frightening, but honestly, they have people like him protecting them and that’s great and all, but his anti gun stance just seems like a slap in the face to those of us who live normal lives and who don’t have a security team protecting us and monitoring for threats. He was glad a thief who held a guy and his daughters at gunpoint, with the guy’s own gun, stole the gun when he left solely so it wouldn’t be in the guy’s home. That gun was probably sold on the black market and will be used to commit crimes against innocent people, and he’s glad for that instead of encouraging the guy to go take gun courses on how to responsibly own, use, better protect himself, and keep it safe from kids and foes in his home. He prefers that it was stolen. I know he had a very terrible experience as a child so I understand his phobia, but his fear really should be aimed more at mentally unstable and chemically addicted people and the harm they cause loved ones and strangers. I found this constant stance to be very patronizing and naïve. The book was written in 1998 so remember that as you come across the references from that time. So much has happened and changed since then, but the pre-incident indicators are very relevant and will always be. I gave this 3 stars because I found around 1/2 or more of it useful. I did like his writing style; it was entertaining enough to finish the book, even the parts I didn’t agree with. So, like everything in life, take the good, and be discerning enough to know which parts are “the good.”

Gavin de Becker’s The Gift of Fear dives deep into the role of intuition as a survival tool, providing practical strategies to recognize, understand, and respond to potential threats before they escalate. As a top expert on violent behavior, de Becker offers not only theoretical insights but also actionable steps for a variety of scenarios, such as responding to a stranger’s approach, handling potential workplace aggression, dealing with anonymous threats, and understanding the risks associated with people close to us. The book goes beyond simple safety tips; de Becker emphasizes the importance of listening to our instincts and understanding fear not as a weakness but as a signal. The real-life examples he shares, whether about his celebrity clients, government work, or individuals in everyday situations, bring these concepts to life and underscore that everyone, regardless of background, can benefit from a heightened awareness of their environment. His guidance on dealing with stalking—an area of personal relevance to me—was particularly helpful, offering reassurance and practical steps to help manage and respond to this kind of threat effectively. One of the most striking aspects is his breakdown of fear itself—its evolutionary purpose and how anxiety, perseverance, and intuition intertwine to create an internal alert system. De Becker's explanations give readers a powerful perspective on managing fear rather than being controlled by it. His insights on common mistakes in handling threatening individuals, such as ignoring warning signs or downplaying uncomfortable feelings, are essential reminders to trust our gut. For women, especially, this book is invaluable in distinguishing friendly gestures from potential threats and avoiding overly polite responses that may ignore our instincts. It’s not only about spotting a predator but also about understanding the nuances of human behavior and violence—a fascinating look into what drives violent traits and how fear serves as an intuitive signal for self-protection. While de Becker’s repetition of some ideas might seem excessive, it reinforces the key points he wants readers to remember. The structure could perhaps be more concise in places, but the value of each chapter far outweighs these minor critiques. His anecdotes and clear guidelines create a book that is both practical and deeply informative—a must-read for anyone interested in personal safety, self-defense, and the psychology of violence.

Questo libro, pienissimo di contenuti, dovrebbe essere insegnato a scuola, almeno dalle medie, inizio del periodo in cui i giovani e le giovani escono e socializzano, e purtroppo anche del periodo in cui iniziano a rischiare. Anche per gli adulti è importante, sia in ambito sociale che lavorativo. Questo libro è una delle risposte che do quando sento qualcuno fare vittimismo su se stesso/a.

Really good book for females. Highly recommend!

A great book for everyone to read but especially women. Always, always trust your intuition. Great practical advice on how to navigate toxic individuals as well as real life experiences.

I would recommend this to be read by everyone. Being a parent, I was able to relate to many things written in the book