First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors: Modern-Day Secrets to Being Desired, Cherished, and Adored for Life

I've never been so open in an Amazon review, but here goes... I've been married to my second husband for 2 1/2 very rocky years. We were both totally love struck while we dated. As soon as we got married, major problems began. Fighting, yelling, passive aggressiveness, selfishness, bitterness, resentment, insults... I could go on and on, but chances are if you're reading this you have a similar list. I've questioned where my sweet, thoughtful, attentive man went. Where's the guy I dated?!? Does he not love me? Did he ever?? We tried marriage counseling and that didn't help. We read Love Languages, Venus/Mars, and several other of the most popular relationship books that had glowing reviews. Still no lasting improvement. Every day felt like a struggle. We were both exhausted, cranky, and I was getting depressed. There was lots of crying and contemplating divorce. I believed we had tried everything and that my husband simply would never treat me the way he had in the beginning. I'm not certain how I stumbled across First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors (although the catchy title did stand out), but I began to read the reviews. I will admit to scoffing at most of them. I was especially incredulous when I read the woman's review saying the book had greatly improved her marriage in one day... One day??! I wondered if the author had 30 of her friends to write up fake positive reviews. But I ordered the Kindle version on a curious whim. I had nothing left to lose but a miserable marriage and a jerk of a husband after all. Or so I thought. Throughout the entire first chapter, I actually laughed out loud and exclaimed, "This is bull$***," several times. Why is this author so excited to impart her "wisdom?" What kind of scam IS this? What she says is possible is just. not. possible. for my relationship. So let's say I was a bit skeptical :) Let me now assure you I'm a real person, with real kids, real laundry, real insecurities, real problems, and real emotions. Because you lovely, lovely women reading this may roll your eyes so hard you can see your brain stem when I get this next statement out... I had only read the first two skills the author writes about when I decided to experiment on my husband, who by the way is out of town so we were only talking via phone, and it worked. IT WORKED. Within five minutes of me following the book's suggestions (remember, I'm not even halfway through), I heard a tenderness in my husband's voice I haven't heard in months and months. I wondered if that was wishful thinking on my part. Nope! After we got off the phone, my husband sent a text to say he misses me. Whaaaa???? Misses me?? He misses me! If your relationship is in the poor condition mine has been in, you know that was momentous. Ahhhh, he misses me! Please do not interpret my review to mean the necessary changes will instantly "feel natural." You may have to white knuckle it for a bit, but... If you're like me, you've been white knuckling your relationship for a while so you can totally do it. The skills are simple. They are actually enjoyable. They make more sense than anything I've ever heard or read about marriage. Oh! And here's a plus: Your husband doesn't have to read it for it to be effective :) I think this is a fabulously empowering book for women with husbands/boyfriends who wonder why their men are irritable, uncaring, selfish, lazy, inattentive, and angry. "Why won't my husband stop looking at his phone and pay attention to me??" You CAN transform yourself and your relationship. P.S. To the wife who left the review saying her marriage improved in one day: I'm sorry I doubted you! Congrats and may you live happily ever after :)

Hi, I agree Marriage counselors may not help. They don't know you and may not be happy in their marriage also and focusing on the problems is a negative way to deal with them. Focusing on what is positive in the relationship may bring more good into the relationship. Excellent book for women who control their husband too much like a child and they are the critical mom instead of a loving wife. Letting the husband do things himself/let him plan dates/let him make mistakes without pointing it out/let him feel worthy/praise/good enough/valuable and not like everything he does is wrong/mistake may keep a marriage together and restore it to happiness/wholeness. To me the controlling person has fear and is a perfectionist...is codependency. Worrying about what others think/people pleasing/critical is not good. The husband needs respect and treated like an adult. I could not relate at first...could not see how woman could treat their spouse like this...in a demeaning way. Woman may not realize how their anxiety is causing the controlling. To me people may not be compatible so divorce. Men want respect...women want love. To treat the spouse like a kid is bad or to ignore them is not good or treat kids with more attention than the husband is not good. I enjoy watching friends...wife/husband..treat each other respectfully and as a team/have fun etc.. Marriage should not be "hell", but heaven on earth at least in their house away from the world. I don't agree Men always should handle the money or always say yes to sex if not feeling well. I prefer separate accounts and sex when right time. Guys should not be treated like kids/garbage and expect a marriage to thrive. The grass is not always greener on the other side. A controlling wife that goes to another marriage and controls also may lose that marriage. People need to learn how to really love/treat others like they want to be treated. Acting feminine is good, but giving up all control is not good. Best wishes.

While I'm not finished with the book yet, I am thrilled to share what has happened already by handing over the finances to my husband (one of the suggestions in the book & in The Surrendered Wife): I feel relieved of a major stress & worry, I suddenly feel as though I have more free time & energy on my hands, my husband took our family out on a hike yesterday (a big deal for us!), & he wants to take us all to Mexico this December (my dream vacation)! Magic! I've read a lot of relationship books & Laura's are the best. They are practical, informative, easy to read & implement & have immediate, positive results. I am so glad I trusted the advice and started with the finances (along with learning the phrase "Whatever you think"). He already seems happier & lights up when I say it & when I smile & trust his ideas - no matter how big or small. I have faith in this book & it's ability to save & improve marriages all over the world. Don't hesitate on this. Order it & see for yourself!

Even though my relationship was not in trouble, this helped me take the good in my relationship and make it even better. There were many ideas I agreed with while I was reading, though had never had concrete phrases or ways to express those ideals in my relationship. My husband responded extremely well to the subtle changes I made. He tells me all the time how much he loves the way I am and how he doesn't see many women who treat men this well. He truly spoils me in return! This book helps women take the perspective of men and learn what respect sounds like in their language. For us women who think we know everything, the information in Laura's book is eye opening and honest. It does take a humble heart to soak in the material presented and reflect on oneself and past/present behavior. The approach of focusing on oneself and changing what one can change, rather than focusing on another and how we think they should change is what makes this information valuable and effective. Also, as someone who took Masters classes to become a marriage counselor and considered it for years, I agree with Laura's stance on marriage counseling. She does not speak in absolutes (i.e. "all marriage counselors are bad"), rather she presents the ways in which the system of marriage counseling is flawed. If you're at the end of your rope in your marriage, or just looking for a way to better love your husband and increase the intimacy in your marriage, then certainly give this book a try!

Yesterday I literally Googled "how to win back your husband dr. laura" and a few of Laura Doyle's articles popped up and then came across the Amazon link to this book. Based on the first couple of most helpful reviews here, I downloaded the Kindle version and finished it today. I have read the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (which clearly did not stick or register very well lol) and found similar principles related in here in the Kill book. However, they came along with some practical tips and were relayed in a WAY LESS ascerbic and judgy manner. I must say that I am a bit skeptical at the near (almost) immediate turnarounds described in these Amazon reviews and in this book. But since I have zero to lose at this point, I figured I will give it a whirl. It's been 5 weeks and a day since my husband sat me down and informed me he wanted a divorce (right after Christmas!). No putting me on notice and no last chance to fix it offered up. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, straight to divorce jail was the final of finals. We have been together 6 years and married less than 6 mos. We have a 5 y/o and a 3 m/o (yep, brand new baby). Of course, everyone brings their history, experience, personal filter, and baggage to the table to be dealt with after the honeymoon period has subsided. But I would categorize my husband as someone who falls into the "good guy" category Laura Doyle describes. He is good on paper and good in person and I have told many people over the years that I could not have gotten better if I had custom ordered him out of a catalog. No lie. He has not been the type go to bars, hang out all night, has a stable job, is a great dad, is good with his money, and has shown kindness and caring in action many times over (in retrospect). I just never really let him know fully and have shown him due appreciation for all the good things he has done. I know he loved me a whole lot at one point because I was recently looking over a ton of emails from our long distance dating period and it gave me a bit of hope that everything I always questioned (stupidly) as being true in my head and heart WAS there on his part and my personal insecurities messed that up. Here we are now. No bueno. I have finally come to realize in a recent CTJ moment that I need to look at how my own headtrash has contributed to the demise of our relationship to a seemingly no-rebound level FIRST. Especially since I can only control ME at this point. My thinking, my doing, my feelings. I have been seeing a therapist who has been more so like a life coach. Which is fine for right now. She's more so helping me deal with the fall-out factor vs. actually exploring the angle of saving my marriage (my ultimate desire). After reading this book, and looking in the mirror, I am definitely rethinking the traditional marriage counseling front. So, again, very recently I had a huge weight lifted mentally and emotionally for whatever reason. Right before I came upon this book I had been delving into a lot of Law of Attraction & 'be the change you want to see in the world' kind of stuff. Nothing too woo-woo, but there's been a definite shift. Plus, I have been eating a lot healthier and I feel like my equilibrium is so much better and there is more clarity now. Prior to I had been feeling soooooo much anger, angst, distrust, and lots of other fun stuff in that vein. I don't want to be a single mom coming up here, but while I am preparing for the worst I am hoping and trying for the best for sure. Let me tell you, it's NOT going to be easy. My husband is completely down and out when it comes to US. He's in financial and personal self-preservation mode. My lashing out here and there (understandably so, as one would imagine scared as hell for me and my 2 kids being a broken family), hasn't helped my cause much in his sympathies towards me. Much distrust, hate(?), stonewalling, paranoia, and projection from his end at this point. I am sleeping on the couch at the moment since the big D talk and am almost more than half sure there could be someone else as well. So he's going to be a TOUGH nut to crack here, people. We'll see how this all works going forward. I am definitely owning my piece of the pie here. I wish I could afford the coaching connected to the books 6 Intimacy Skills, but will see if there are other support outlets on FB or online or something because I am going to need it my Amazonian friends. I have till the summer 2016 here to see if true, fruitful changes abound in this marriage (my state has a 6 month cooling off period once someone with a family files and he's about to soon). Today I have already used the recommended terms I Hear You and Whatever You Think (Is Best...my twist) 3x each today during touchy verbal and text exchanges. I might even make the man some coffee going out the door tomorrow morning. :-) Wish me luck! Hopefully I can report back with good news in time. Update 2/10/16: So I have been putting 1 or 2 little somethings into action just about everyday. Small things so as not to overload and be annoying. Examples: When he goes to bed with my oldest son, saying "I love you both, goodnight", handing him a coffee to go in the AM, taking a few more of his dress shirts to the dry cleaners to be cleaned/pressed, saying as he is going out the door other times "Be careful/have a good day, I love you", texting him in the late-morning or post-lunch afternoon: Hope you are having a good morning, I love you - Hope Monday is treating you well, I love you - I appreciate you getting (oldest son) ready and out to the bus this morning. White still looks really good on you. Hope you're having a good day. I love you (actual examples). Then there is folding and putting away his laundry and offering him up my shredded chicken from the deli if he got hungry for dinner. All of this while mainly trying to stay out of his way and out of the house. I have to say that I have noticed him being nicer / more cordial / less defensive in manner. I can't say he's back in love with me by any stretch of the imagination. But being the "good guy" I know him at his core to be, he's at best, responding/acting out of guilt. Which, I guess, is not terrible. Better than arguing, right? Anyway, he's done a few nice things after several days of my starting my adjusted "Kill" behavior. Like WILLINGLY doing his part/sharing with morning/school prep duties (the one morning doing it ALL), offering me part of the dinner he cooked one evening, snowblowing the (long) drive last night (he has a truck and won't get stuck, I would with my little car), and offering to take a turn with the baby so I could sleep in the bed (it's either the couch or the bed in our house). So I guess things are not super great, but they are better than they have been over the last 10ish days. He just recently started to reply to my texts. Got a "No problem" to one of the most recent ones other day. Lol At the very least we can be cordial to each other while living under the same roof. Definitely not trying to force it here. I did not find a viable support group on FB so just went ahead and created my own. I will continue on and see where this all eventually gets us/me. Oh, and after 3 sessions within the last month thus far my therapist thinks I am handling things well and thinks I should touch base with her going forward if I happen to experience a crisis. I feel like I am generally on the right track now after much brain and heart swirling and twirling...for me and my kids at least.

Best book I have ever read on improving your marriage! I could not put this book down! Easy read. Fascinating the minds of men!! Do the intimacy steps Ms. Doyle suggests and you will see immediate improvements in your relationships, especially with your significant other. I can tell what this book is not; it is not how to manipulate your husband into doing what you want. It is about speaking to him in a way that he can understand. This makes him feel respected and, as a result, he will freely give you the love you have been longing for. With each "skill" there are personal stories (examples) that make it easy to understand and apply. I find many of the communication skills can be applied to relationships outside my marriage. As another customer wrote, sometime you have to "white knuckle" it as you try out these news skills. I would agree, as we have been doing it the wrong way for a long time ladies!! Once you give it a try, you will see a shift from the tenseness and negativity of a stressed marriage to the love and compassion you have always wanted.

I bought this book because of the hilarious title and the picture of the couple on the front cover with the red umbrella looks a lot like a picture I have in our front entry room, so it caught my eye against the sky blue background. The author's marriage was on the verge of divorce: years of strife and her husband preferred watching TV to sex. They'd been to a marriage counselor who was not helping them: until one day she finally discovered why: her counselor's marriage was no better than hers! She began interviewing happily married women who had been married at least 15 years, and got their advice and applied it. Their advice saved her marriage, and many others that she shared this with to help heal theirs. The author's marriage has been very similar to mine, so I am applying her tips to see how it works. The book is excellent and gives practical tips to help heal your marriage, instead of the usual "go on weekly dates" or other typical advice that doesn't solve anything. I enjoyed this one and will read it again and again---and see if it helps mine, too!

This book is a breath of fresh air compared to many other relationship books I've read! It validates how (& why) counseling often fails and sometimes makes things even worse. How great to not have to nag our men to go to counseling, only to air grievances against one another and bring up so much negative. What a relief that we don't have to psychoanalyze everything or go back to early childhood to determine why we might be how we are or work through our issues. I highly highly recommend this book for women & am giving it as a gift to a cousin who is getting married in a few weeks. I still refer to it over and over when I slip into ways I'm being disrespectful that are so habitual I don't always notice until after the fact. Very empowering to handle things with more dignity, grace, and less complaining & focusing more on the positive rather than the negative. And so many realistic, practical ways to bring respect, and thus love into a relationship.

This book (and the original 'Surrendered Wife') made a huge difference to my relationship and my life. I had to rethink how I approached my relationship and spend more time taking really good care of myself first and then be in a better position to be happy and loving in my relationship (it works for all relationships too! My time with friends and family has improved as well as with my husband). The other skills such as 'being repectful' and 'gratitude' 'staying on your own paper' 'expressing desires' are common sense but applying them everyday has really improved my outlook. I found so many things I was grateful for that I already had - including a husband who I realised I still loved very much and no longer wanted to change! My new found calm, happiness and gratitude has really helped set the tone for the house and everyone is happier. In not trying to change my husband anymore he has changed quite a lot. For instance now that I respond calmly and postively to everything we can talk about anything and we are much closer. t's been a great year and hope for more positive changes to come. This book builds on the earlier book by relating how it works better than other approaches. Having tried many things during our worst times I have to agree this is a really good achievable approach with good results.

Very good and thought provoking !! Never realized the potential of self care and respecting your husband so much !!

It's an amazing book. Give new insight of happy marriage and resolutions for issues. Even though it's written for women but equally important for men to read. In my opinion anyone in relationship must read this book.

Amazing Book! Recommend to all friends!

The author spends the first chapter slagging everyone off. When she's not knocking others she's telling you how great her six techniques are. Sadly, they're not. I was hoping for so much more.