Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I've Loved

"Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I've Loved" by Kate Bowler is a powerful memoir about living despite. Despite fear, despite uncertainty and - in the author's case - despite a diagnosis of Stage IV colon cancer. It's about love, legacy, God and "not skipping to the end". And it is moving. And snarky and profound and angry and real in ways I never would have expected from what some have inaccurately called a "cancer memoir". The author only recently came across my radar - she and a family member share a similar diagnosis, and he happened to pass along one of her FB posts. It was about Holy Saturday, and it was insightful and smart and made me think. "Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I've Loved" also made me think: "I used to think that grief was about looking backward, old men saddled with regrets or young ones pondering should-haves. I see now that it is about eyes squinting through tears into an unbearable future." What a whole-body description of grief! The book is a controlled tangle of introspection and awareness that life is shorter than any of us might like, but also challenges many of the notions the author - and we as readers - hold about entitlement and wellness, about hope and faith and positivity. There's just a lot of good stuff in here. The writing is rich and textured and entirely readable - a rarity in so many memoirs. And the voice is authentic, whether the author is recounting conversations with her oncologist or her BFF or revealing the internal dialog of a mother and wife staring death in the face and terrified she might blink. Ultimately, "Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I've Loved" is a story for us all. For those of us dealing with illness and loss and the big questions around Thy Will not Mine theology, for those of us wondering how to support loved ones who have been diagnosed with cancer or are going through dark times, and for those of us yearning to be more present as people of the Good News. In her vulnerability, Kate Bowler has something to say to us all.

I read this book because it was recommended at some point by my pastor. I can't remember how I ended up finding the book as it was not intentional I came about it. I definitely appreciated the author's honesty. I was surprised how much I smiled reading a book about a young woman with cancer, but it also made me cry so there were both ends of the spectrum. I'm not sure I fully understand the conviction that "everything happens for a reason" is a complete lie. I guess I don't believe this. I do believe G-d has allowed me to suffer (multiple times) in my life and I do know it had a reason, but I can see how if you are part of this "prosperity gospel" (which I had never heard of before) that statement could mean something different. As she says in her book, to those who believe in the prosperity gospel, if something bad happened it meant that you were somehow failing in your faith or sinning. This is simply not the G-d I know. It is because he loves me that I have had to endure suffering so that I can learn to be more like him. I don't always understand the why or like it. It is painful as Hebrews 12:11 says. Each person and whatever they are going through will need to wrestle with G-d as Jacob did and we may even be left at a brook in Cherith or the wilderness in a cave like Elijah. What is the miracle is that she is still alive. This happened in 2015 and it is 2024 and she is still alive despite being given 2 months to live multiple times. Is that not a miracle that God would defy what medicine said was possible? Has he not redeemed her even if she is not cured? I mean she went from potentially leaving her husband and son to live the rest of this earthly life without her to seeing her son grow to 11 years old (which is how old he would be if he was 2 in the book). I do not know yet what it means to have joy in suffering either but we are told we should consider it (James 1:2-4). I think this book made me reflect on my own life as I also have a husband and a young daughter and I already had the miracle in my life of surviving death so I know that if I am still here there is a reason for it. He has a plan for me and I must seek it daily. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this book and the thoughts it provoked. I would highly recommend it to anyone. Despite the content it did not make me feel depressed but hopeful of what work he is doing in others as well. We do not suffer alone. He is with us.

This is an autobiography of what Kate Bowler is enduring as a patient diagnosed with colon cancer at a young age (I estimate in her early 30s) with a husband and a very young child. She teaches at Duke University in the theology department. Her thesis topic was on the prosperity gospel churches. In the course of the book, she, therefore, explores her feelings and impressions through both her religious faith and through many of the "prosperity gospel" notions that have permeated the mainstream of American society in general in the form of self-help books. Although this is a deeply sad situation for any ambitious person to be facing, and I can only hope for her to experience a miraculous cure, the work has its moments of humor. She has a good wit and applies it well. Perhaps most importantly, I have learned from this some things that I should be cautious about saying to someone who is confronted with this kind of situation. If the reader has any interest in offering genuine comfort to someone who is facing death at any time (a friend, a spouse, some loved one), this might be a helpful guide on what to do and what not to do. In that way, in general, it may also help us with comforting others who daily face other forms of enduring bitterness. Evidently, due to her thesis study, she often reflects on our culture of self-help books, which she probably rightly suspects are rooted in our inherent tendency to think we can control our circumstances by lifting ourselves up by the bootstraps. Sometimes, it is not so. Through her musings, she reflects on how damaging this can be. I had not realized just how pervasive this prosperity gospel is in our culture, and how it has even infected my own way of thinking. I do pray that she is healed somehow, but she ends during her cancer treatment with no clear way through. Our culture likes a happy ending, but we should read this to understand what to do when what we confront is not (necessarily) going to be that way. Perhaps pray like David, but realize that what is, is. I think the title is perhaps a bit too pessimistic. The typical platitude of "everything happens for a reason" is of course questioned, and rightly so. We face things in life that are sometimes nothing but bitter and we cannot understand why. We may only know when we are in the arms of Jesus if this faith is what is true. When we walk through the valley of darkness, we are largely alone in our suffering, but she tells us how she has navigated the day to day in this world and where she found comfort. I think sometimes it struck me as a little too sarcastic about people's intentions. It's true that we cannot avoid those sorts of feelings about people, and this is an area where I am helpless to say anything against such matters, as this is how she felt. Still, that was my personal impression in a few places. Nevertheless, I found this book really worth my time to read and I come away a little better enlightened.

This morning in one sitting I read the new book "Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I've Loved" by Kate Bowler, a divinity professor at Duke. Kate is diagnosed with stage 4 cancer at age 35 with a 2-year-old baby boy. After being given a few months to live she qualifies for a medical trial at Emory in Atlanta, and is still going today. The book is about the first year after the diagnosis and all the emotions and reactions she has to her pending death and the messy process of dying of cancer, then not dying of cancer and just living on waiting to die. I cried a number of times, but I'm known to be a free crier. It is a beautiful book, if a bit religious for my recent bend. One of the main points of the book is that things don't happen for a reason. In one of the many powerful vignettes in the book, a neighbor brings a casserole and tells Kate's husband that everything happens for a reason. "I'd love to hear it," he replied. "Pardon?" she said, startled. "The reason my wife is dying," he said in that sweet and sour way he has, effectively ending the conversation. Kate can't quite commit to atheism, but it seems better to her to believe that life is random rather than God is cruel. "There can only be one reasonable conclusion, says a father whose children have all been cut down by disease: no one is listening." And yet she feels God. And by that she means: Love, Peace, Joy. "When I was sure I was going to die, I didn't feel angry. I felt loved." St. Augustine called it "the sweetness" and Thomas Aquinas called it "the prophetic light". It does not last or stay forever. But the feelings leave an imprint. She cannot deny the other that touched her life via these powerful feelings. "That is the God I believe in." The powerful closing message is that faced with death, one shouldn't "skip to the end", but rather get back to work. Not because everything is going to be okay. Not because the suffering will be less. But because life is more painful and more beautiful than we could ever have imagined. "Balls our Living. Balls out Grieving" is the motto she and a friend work out. I like it. There are two tiny appendices that make the book worth the purchase: Things never to say to someone experiencing a terrible time, and things to do/say in times of crises. Of course, "Everything happens for a reason" is on the not-to-say list. Food, hugs, presents, and sitting in silence are all on the to-do list. If you know anyone facing death or the death of a loved one, especially at a time unexpected, this book could be good balm for their soul, and yours.

It’s a very personal experience that Kate journeys through. At times, it’s most difficult to continue reading. You can feel her anger, anguish, love, gratitude and uncertainty through the words written. It is both heartbreaking and enlightening. The information on prosperity gospel I found to be very enlightening and I’m interested to learn more. My views on the right and wrong things to say when someone is going through a difficult time were uncomfortable. I feel that most of the time people are truly trying their best and some of her responses seemed quite harsh, however, the list of do’s and don’ts provided me with more knowledge on what some find acceptable. I am sure this varies from person to person. My prayer is that Kate has conquered her illness and that she is living her happily ever after with toban & her sweet son, but if she has passed then I pray that all the love and peace that Kate wanted them to feel is felt in abundance.

In a world of platitudes and determined fantasy, at some point, many people will see through to the reality that “Life is so beautiful. Life is so hard.” In a book that chronicles an unimaginable year of life and an indeterminate future, Kate Bowler composes the poetry of pain, uncertainty, and the lonely walk of suffering with grace, candor, and refreshing wit. At times raw and brash, she doesn’t mince words with those that play the part of Job’s friends, who attempt to parse out the cosmic reasons behind her suffering in a world that speaks “the language of entitlements.” As she recounts how her cancer diagnosis and prognosis force her recreate everything she’s ever known or hoped for in life, Bowler rivals both Shakespeare and Solomon as she discusses her overflowing, desperate love for her husband and son. This is a love letter to her family and friends, obviously; but this is also a book made for those who have experienced great suffering. Having recently gone through years of illness and loss, I felt my soul sing a sad but uplifting harmony along with Kate’s main chorus that regardless of circumstance, we have Now and we have Love, and heavenly hope surrounds us in daily simplicities. But this is also a heartfelt love letter to her God: “a God of Maybe, who may or may not let [her] collect more years.” A God she admits she loves, but also a God who “breaks [her] heart.” Covering subjects of that kind of complexity, this may be a difficult read for those that haven’t experienced an illness or tragedy that has robbed them of a normal healthy life. It is difficult to understand that grief for a life unlived is “about eyes squinting through tears into an unbearable future.” So, for those that are looking to this book to teach them the words to say to those in pain, you will learn much, but only if you’re willing to look beyond your past failures in dealing with other people’s tragedies. For those who have personally experienced suffering, illness, and tragedy, though, this is a must-read. Unfortunately, when we humans experience these things in life, we enter into a fraternity that can often make us feel utterly alone. In Bowler’s writing, you will find kinship, you will find a friend, you will find companionship in the sarcasm and dark humor applies to the crushing reality of her own mortality in the midst of a perfect life. And there, no matter what, we can follow in her steps to leave for own our loved ones, “whichever way [it] turns,” a path of Love.

Kate Bowler lost thirty pounds without trying and was wracked by stomach pain nearly daily while going about her life as a professor at her beloved alma mater with an adoring husband and very young toddler son. She saw doctor after doctor, each dismissing her concerns, until she finally refused to leave a doctor's office until he actually TRIED something. Dismissive and hostile, he wrote orders for a CT scan while assuring her all her symptoms were psychosomatic. Then the results from the CT Scan came back and Ms. Bowler discovered she had stage four colon cancer and not much time left to live. This book isn't so much a calm meditation on grief as it is a reflection of the way we swing wildly back and forth from rage to calm to fear to grief and back again. She is living in the ever-present of stage four cancer - now must be enough because no tomorrow can be promised to her. While currently somewhat stabilized, she has written a book that is an absolute gift to us all. It is not a pat or trite reflection on sorrows that promises a better tomorrow - it's someone willing to sit with you in the dark, because she is there too. That Kate wrote this book is a gift not just to her family, giving them an inner vision of a very self-possessed woman's thoughts as she stares into, as she calls it, "an unbearable future" - it's a gift to all of us who have lived through grief. Whether the diagnosis was our own or for a family member - whether we mourned a loss that's already occurred or we're facing one we cannot bear to survive - this book will not tell you "everything will be okay". Instead, it will tell you, "you know, it might NOT be okay, but we'll keep living anyway and I will stand there with you." It's beautiful, raw, wrenching, hard not to read in a single sitting. A meditation on the way we are ALL adherents of the Prosperity Gospel when the chips are down.. we all want to bargain or find some thing we can do to "deserve" and receive healing. Sometimes, healing is not in the cards. Kate is there to walk with us through making sense of the world when everything is utterly senseless - on parenting when you're not sure how much longer you'll get to BE a parent - on loving someone who is going to lose you so much that you find yourself telling everyone to be sure he remarries, if it will make him happy. I read it in one sitting. I will be buying another copy to gift to my mother, but I can't give her mine - it's tear-stained all to hell and I will read it again. When my father died, I sought out books on mourning, grief, and death. I wish this book had existed then - it reflects how I felt so much better than anything else ever did.

I’ve been reading Kate Bowler’s new book, Everything Happens for a Reason: and Other Lies I've Loved. Her book made me both laugh and cry within the span of two pages, and has been a tremendously helpful read as the sufferers are all of us. What stuck with me was the reminder that my grasping for a reason in the midst of what utterly stinks is yet again, my idol and need for control running my life instead of holding the future loosely in the tension of what is truly here and now. Our inability to live in the paradoxes that we most often find ourselves in eats us from the inside out. "I think I believed that I was living in the center, but I rarely let me feet rest on solid ground, rooting me in the present. My eyes shifted to look for that thing just beyond, the next deadline, the next hurdle, the next plan… On long walks I forever roped Toban into my favorite topic: the next thing. How could we improve our lives? What should we do next? As we walked through the tall Carolina oaks on a fall trail dusted with Technicolor leaves, my mind hummed with possible futures. Always. If I were to invent a sin to describe what that was - for how I lived - I would not say it was simply that I didn’t stop to smell the roses. It was the sin of arrogance, of becoming impervious to life itself. I failed to love what was present and decided to love what was possible instead. I must learn to live in ordinary time, but I don’t know how."

All the author did was vent her feelings. I do understand why. The title is very misleading. I expected something quite different.

I just bought a book with my least favourite saying in the title and I loved it. I caught on to it at the right time via Ryan Holiday's mailing list. I am not currently going through anything tragic and extremely difficult but have and (gulp) probably will again. I am however having my beliefs and motivations questioned and especially my CERTAINTY messed with and not want to tell anyone as I am at my wits end with quick and easy 'why don't you just...' advice about it. A very human look at why we do this; why we seek certainty and where it goes wrong. It's at times challenging. I found myself defensive occasionally -People have no idea what you are going through. Of course some are going to say something dumb. The alternative will be to give you a wide berth and put you in the 'draining', too hard basket and that's very upsetting too. Then you listen more and it starts a profound conversation in you, that's why I read. That's why I still seek. It's very worth buying the audio. May you live a long life

Sauf mon respect pour l auteure qui est en fin de vie, ce livre ne tient pas ses promesses : quel rapport entre le titre et le contenu ? L auteure se contente d expliquer combien elle aime sa famille, sa communauté et Jésus... Ce livre n apporte rien !

Being an atheist, with no experience of religious upbringing, I found the constant religigious references of the author disengaging. I purchased the book on the recommendation of Glennon Doyle, an author whose writing I like very much. A devout Christian herself, she too makes religious references but for some reason, in her writing, they did not interfere (for me) with the quintessentially human and totally relatable stories she tells about her life. I did not finish this book and returned it.

Warm, real, engaging and moving.