Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?: Encouragement for Women Involved with Angry and Controlling Men

As someone with a masters in marriage and family therapy, one might think I won't mess up in choosing relationships. Nothing could be further from the truth, for me and for the multiple thousands of counseling professionals out there. In the couple days in between a violently angry explosion from my fiancee and our meeting to discuss it, I read this book. It literally saved me. The blunt, yet compassionate way he essentially says "hope at your own risk" was exactly the sobering truth I needed to hear. Friends, also therapists, tried to tell me. It was this book that actually got through to me. I feel like an emotional cataract has been lifted from my heart. I'm deeply grateful for the profound paradigm shift this book created in me and have purchased it for others. I only wish the judicial, social services, and public protection (police) systems could "get it" . Unfortunately, these systems attract this kind of man in an alarming number. Not all, but the terrorizing, bullying, and unrestricted authoritative possibilities offered to (especially) judges and cops, but also many politicians, educators and business leaders prove seductive for this type man. Look around you. For that matter, look at the "men" supposedly representing nations, most especially our own. So at every level - from love partners to global patriarchal societies this looms large.

Essential reading if you even think you might be being abused, taken advantage of, or your life as part of a couple is a daily struggle that's ruining your self esteem and enjoyment of life.If knowledge is power, you will be empowered to do what you need to do after reading this book.Bancroft is not an armchair self help guru - he has worked with thousands of abused women and abusers.He's heard it all, and is fooled by nothing!He plainly respects women, and the difficulties women face in abusive relationships.He may well not help you solve the issues, you can't if your partner believes he's entitled to treat you as an inferior, but you WILL feel empowered to create a better life for yourself - and to get away, if that's what you need to do.I've read a lot, having been in an abusive relationship with a war veteran for 16 years, and this book is by far the best.I am now husband free, without guilt or remorse, and freely getting on with my life, and getting my self esteem and energy back.

This was so very helpful. I’m in the process of leaving and I needed this. When leaving there are so many unanswered questions you will have. Lundy brought up every scenario you could possibly think of. At the end of the day while going through it you won’t have 100% of the answers. What you do know is you’re tired of living like trash. I really had given my spouse more credit for change until he betrayed me for the last time. It’s painful AF but necessary for growth. If they won’t own the behavior they will never change. My best advice of surviving 19 years of hell is never ignore the red flags. Get out and fast if you see any form of nasty behavior. Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. The longer you stay the harder it is to get out.

This book literally has saved my life in so many ways. All the stuff my partner was doing that didn't make sense to me or that I called him on and he made it seem as if I was missing the mark when I told him that his behavior, treatment of me and communication style was very disrespectful towards me was addressed so thoughtfully in this book by Lundy Bancroft. Bancroft provides amazingly candid information all throughout that helps you really critically (and fairly) assess your relationship for what it is and isn't. His writing style isn't demeaning towards its audience and is extremely helpful. I liked it so much I added the Audible feature to it and have read it more than once taking notes and highlighting sections of it. Trust me, you will not be disappointed if you want answers and even if you don't, you'll be a changed person because the truth has a way of prevailing which comes in handy when you are ready for a change.

I run a domestic abuse support group and this is the BEST book I've ever read on domestic abusers. There are many books out there on abusive relationships and abuse victims, but nothing on the abuser like this. If you've ever had the idea that the abuse was your fault or been made to feel like you deserve to be yelled at, ignored, given the silent treatment or treated with suspicion, then you really need to read this book. It doesn't matter what your abuser claims makes him/her so abusive. Too much stress? I don't think anyone has more stress in their life than an abuse victim. Not enough sex? Who wants to have sex with someone who is mean to them? Abusive childhood? Then he/she has even less of an excuse to abuse someone else because they know what it feels like. If you've come to Amazon looking for books on domestic abuse, then you already know something is not right in your relationship. Get this book. It will be like getting the keys to your jail! I can't tell you how many copies I've given away.

This is a must for beginning to understand what is behind the thinking of an angry, emotionally destructive man. It would be imperative for someone living in a physically abusive home which is where my relationship was headed. When I read what I consider the companion "should I stay or should I go, I got the courage and much needed rebuilding of myself that helped me separate for 6 weeks. He finally went to get the help he has needed for 40 years. Another important book (the one I read before "inside the mind...", is "the emotionally destructive marriage" by Vernick. Marriage is not supposed to be like I lived for 40 years. I'm staying for now bc he is getting help, but I would not be here if I hadn't gotten the help I needed from these books. Praise Lundy, Patrissi and Vernick. They are doing the work that the majority of therapists (we are on #4 now in our two year recovery from his 20 years of affairs) will not do.

I bought this after reading the first one which was life changing, insightful and helpful. My violent abusive partner ripped this one up. He says it’s brainwashed me and puts all the blame on him. He says I deserved the abuse and violence and to stop being the victim. To all the people who are struggling and need help this and the original book will help you understand what is going on and give clarity. Most people know the bad behaviours to avoid eg they’re controlling, calling you names, constantly criticising you and putting you down, cheating and lying to you, breaking your belongings and hitting you are bad. A lot of people are in abusive relationships and feel like they have no way out. These books are a god send. It gives you strength when you really need it. I have repurchased and told him to move out. Don’t want anything to do with him. You can’t change a domestic abuser. Only thing you can do is leave one. Christmas Eve we spent arguing and him being violent and threatening. Spent Christmas in my car in a park car park to get peace. Wasn’t going to cook dinner or get presents for someone who abuses and hurts me.You have to tell people. You have to get help. Nothing worse than suffering in silence. It gives them power. Once you tell people they have been outed and are under the spotlight.Abuse thrives in silence. I told my neighbour and family friends which I felt ashamed but you shouldn’t I glad I did.I’ve been threatened many times and with a knife. They only care about themselves.Abusive people don’t change. My partner was abusive to his previous partners. Blames me for the abuse and says it’s my fault I deserve it. I reached the point of being suicidal to escape his abuse as I felt trapped and depressed. ONLY YOU CAN STOP THE ABUSE, by leaving your abuser. It wont be easy but it will be better for you. Once the bad is out of your life, you have a space to fill it with good.Your partner who is supposed to care and love you doesn’t hurt you repeatedly and disrespect you. That isn’t love. Love is not abuse. Your partner is supposed to make you feel loved and safe not in fear and depressed.You were not born to be abused. There is life and love without abuse. No one deserves abuse no matter how many times they say you do. YOU DESERVE BETTER :)

Probably one of the greatest resources ever written for empowering women enduring difficult relationships. I've never read anything like it and have picked it up as research for my own work, but having been in a couple of abusive relationships in the past, I sorely wish I'd had this resource to refer to. It is exceptionally insightful and is, I feel, such an important read I've discussed and recommended it to both of my grown daughters. Give it to your women friends, your relatives, have them teach some of this in schools. It's a lifeline. Women in abusive relationships will find clarity through the madness and an absolute armoury in saving herself all within these pages.

Absolutely brilliant book for anyone struggling with challenging dynamics in relationship. Lundy Bancroft has done phenomenal work and research into abusive dynamics and really knows his stuff. This book is super practical, wise, spot on. I'm a psychotherapist and support people with abusive/toxic/narcissistic dynamics and recommend his books to the clients I'm supporting. Should I stay or go is also brilliant for people unsure whether they're in a toxic relationship and then what to do about it. Definitely read both if you're struggling with any abusive dynamics and particularly if you're confused as to whether the relationship you're in is abusive or not. Knowledge and clarity is power.

Daily 2 pages resetting your feelings and standards and giving you words for the manipulations and twisting of your partner - putting reality into everyday situations with the abusive partner - demolishing his alternative reality bit by bit and rewriting the script their manipulations have created in us.

I didn't realise that not everything is my fault. This book has made me aware that I've been emotionally bullied for such a long time and is helping me to overcome feeling such guilt over things that aren't true