It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle

Despite the great reviews, as soon as I started reading, this book started brushing me the wrong way. What a waste of $5.24. As early as page 1, the author makes claims about the "latest scientific research" and offers no citation. On page 10 he claims a miraculous recovery of his vision. Are we to believe he ever had any eyesight loss at all? I don't. Chapter 2 is inundated with internet articles as his "scientific" sources. On page 29 he makes a strange claim about junk DNA being influenced by emotions that cannot be falsified by a simple web search at all. In this manner, this chapter is full of non- peer-reviewed quoting, such as "Yehuda *claims*", "Yehuda *believes*".Page 39 revealed why all of this seemed weak at best. I quote verbatim "Uncannily, the Bible, in Numbers 14:15, appears to corroborate the claims of modern science - or vice versa - that the sins, iniquities, or consequences (depending on which translation you read) of the parents can affect the children up to the third and fourth generations". The author proceeds to open Chapter 3 with a Bible passage.This is where to me, it is very clear this is all unscientific speculation based on confirmation bias and where I throw this book in the trash can.

The author makes a compelling case for inherited trauma and the epigenetic origins of family pain. I have seen this play out in my own life and I am glad he brought this topic to light. But, his approach to resolving inherited trauma reeks to me of pathological naivete. He coaches the reader to reconcile with parents no matter how they bristle at this. He does not acknowledge those readers who may have been viciously and sadisticly traumatized by their parents . He indicates that parents generally mean well and we need to look for their better qualities and focus on what they did right. Tell that to a girl raped repeatedly her father or a boy beaten and brutalized by him. Reconciliation is not the answer here. He doesn't acknowledge parents might actually be willfully harming their kids. I don't think he knows who is audience here. The people searching for answers...reading books like this, often came from extreme circumstances and to not even act like they exist is so harmful. I guess this book made me angry and I hope he isn't coaching trauma survivors in his private practice to look for the good and not take it all personally.

This book is an important one that I'm glad that the author took the time and effort to write. However, since it falls under the "self help" genre, I feel its also important to make some distinctions about the audience this book best serves. Like another reviewer who wrote "avoid if you've overcome a toxic family", I think this book does not serve them well or anyone who was abused or severely neglected by primary caregivers, at least not initially in their healing process (and maybe not at all). I think a point not emphasized enough in the book is that the author himself spent 2 years on a spiritual journey BEFORE coming to the realization that emotional disconnectedness with his family was at the root of his own health problems (in other words, he did a lot of self-healing before attempting to connect with his parents). It makes perfect sense for him that re-establishing the emotional connection with his parents would be the logical solution to his own healing. Assuming his story is accurate about how his family was merely emotionally disconnected due to a mother stuck in grief and a father who suffered from low self esteem and there was not much in the way of emotional, verbal or physical abuse, this a perfect and beautiful situation in which re-establishment of emotional connection is the answer. However, in the case of abused and traumatized children by their caregivers, this is generally NOT the answer, and especially NOT the first step in the healing process. Abused and traumatized children have serious boundary issues, self-worth issues, difficulty forming healthy relationships, etc., that need to be dealt with first and foremost before attempting to restore relations with very unhealthy and toxic people who perpetrated the abuse. The caregivers are in fact the cause of the trauma and the issues and it is not simply a case of emotional disconnectedness with them. In other words, how can you emotionally connect with a person who is so emotionally shut down and disconnected that they abused their own children? It might be possible in some cases, but it is going to take a lot of energy and effort on the part of the abused child (now an adult) to make it happen and they may even put themselves in danger by doing so. Plus this type of therapy can place an intense internal conflict on the abused child to "make right" what the parents did wrong to them by trying to reconnect with them. I think that's where this type of therapy can do some psychological damage if the facilitator/therapist is not careful. If there is a way to utilize this type of therapy with abused children, this book did not cover it, at least not in much depth and did not recommend resources for people who come from those types of families and situations. I hope that will be rectified in a new edition or perhaps another book.

Tim Harbour, in his one-star review, states "To cite the bible as a legitimate source tells you everything you need to know about the author." The author actually never does this - he simply quotes an interesting passage that ties in perfectly with modern psychological thought. In fact, he quotes the Bible twice in the entire book, with another reviewer claiming that this makes the work 'religious'. Utter nonsense. The attack is clearly on Christianity, yet the author also quotes Virgil (so does that make him a Pagan?) and Freud (an atheist). My point is, ignore these one-star reviews because you could fit all of the 'religious' quotes (Christian, Pagan etc.) on half a page of what is a reasonably sized book. Instead, see how the theory ties in with current psycho-dynamic thought and the increasing knowledge being presented by neuroscience. An excellent book laid out in simple terms ... although perhaps not simple enough for some!

To cite the bible as a legitimate source tells you everything you need to know about the author. Unsubstantiated claims and dubious case histories. I feel the positive reviews were from people who want to believe the content rather than look at it critically. Utter tosh.

The idea that you inherit trauma via your mother's and grandmother's DNA is hard to believe. The book ignores the fact that the manner in which parents behave will have the dominant effect on children, not something transferred to you via your mother from your grandmother. My siblings and I have (obviously) the same parents and grandparents, but we are three very different people. We have reacted differently to the traumas or absence thereof in our own childhoods. This book is a load of nonsense.

This book is religious and didn’t stare that anywhere before purchase. So disappointing.

I bought this based on all the great reviews and recommendations. I’m someone who has inter generational trauma aswell as individual. Anyone with an abusive relationship with their parents would find this book triggering, it suggests that the only way to truly heal is to repair the relationship with your abusers (parents), one to one. Not only untrue but also stupidly reckless. Not backed up scientifically by studies either. Looking for somewhere to recycle this.